Top Ten Tuesday: Dumb Things I Have Googled

1. Beagle +crazy + running around

Sammy does this thing where he gets a glossed over look in his eyes and all the energy is drained from his normally human-ish peepers into his legs. He is propelled by some mysterious force to run in figure eights around the living room and then culminates this show with a fervent tail chasing scene until he collapses into a trance-like state and catches his breath on the floor. I actually found information on the phenomenon on the ourbeagleworld.com website under the “Psycho Dog” thread.

2. Why do I want to cry during Zumba?

Every once in a while, in the middle of some upbeat electro-latin dance tune I get  choked up. There is no common factor I can find between the incidences. The internet said something about endorphins blah blah blah. Who knows? I might just be crying at my reflection.The only time I remember a real reason for wanting to cry during Zumba was when we danced to the song from the South African World Cup.. That was just because I felt sentimental about the Peace Corps and I had heard that song about a thousand times that summer.

3. Is Biz Markie dead?

No, but his career is on life support.

4. dog + ears + hot

It doesn’t really mean anything.

5. Which onions are spicy?

I singed my roommate’s eyeballs with the overuse of sauteed white onions, which prompted my need for research. Google gods lead me to a Buzzfeed article about onions.

Onions!

 

6. Is all of the food at Cracker Barrel frozen?

It was actually hard to find the answer to this. My guess is yes, but my research was derailed by all of the blogs and discussion threads dedicated to hating Cracker Barrel. It’s fascinating.

7.  Powder coffee creamer + horse hooves

I jokingly tell people that we shouldn’t drink the creamer that is supplied in the break room because it has horse hooves in it. Then I thought to myself, “Did I hear that somewhere?? Is it true?” Google says there are no horse hooves, but there is hydrogenated oil, which is even worse. Apparently it is some terrible crime against nature where the evil food scientists inject metals in oil products making some near-plastic, hybrid, undead food monster.

8. Vegas outfit + not that slutty

I got an error message and then my computer anthropomorphized, laughed at me and poked my love handles.

9. Can plants feel pain?

According to a PRI article the answer is: Maybe?? I am still going to apologize to my basil plant for eating its delicious leaves.

10. What does “turn down for what” mean?

Well, I went straight to Urban Dictionary for this. Feel free to laugh at me heartily for not being cool enough to even turn up with the appropriate frequency to ask myself what I would indeed turn down for.

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Top Ten Tuesday: Reasons Tina Belcher is My Spirit Animal

Bob’s Burgers is the only show on TV that I actually keep up with. I feel like it was written just for me. I cozy up with my laptop and delight in the artificial glow of my screen every Sunday night after the pirates have uploaded low-fi streams of the weekly episode (should I not be blogging about that?).

More than one person has told me that the character Louise reminds them of me. I think this is because Louise can be a bitch.

Louise

While I delight in this label (and on occasion have found myself basking in a hair too much Schadenfreude, much like this maniacal middle child), my true love is Tina. Most people who like Tina like her because she is awkward. I like her character because she is honest. In tribute – This Top Ten Tuesday is for her.

Top Ten Reasons Tina Belcher is My Spirit Animal

1. Tina is plagued with the curse of unrequited love and a penchant for the clueless, artistic type.

2. She is philosophical in a simple way and she’ll never change the way she thinks to make other people feel more comfortable.

3. Sometimes she strays from her principles or makes mistakes, but she knows who she is and course corrects every time.

4. Tina is great at expressing herself verbally, specifically with noises. I can relate. I have a noise for stretching, waking up, being mad, being tired, being cold, eating some great cheese, judging someone…

5. She is a writer. She definitely writes authentically. Her volumes of Erotic Friend Fiction, while not my style, are to be lauded for creativity…and possible grounds for restraining orders.

6. You won’t catch her on a treadmill. She is into weird fitness stuff. Case in point: sexy dance fighting (aka capoeira).

7. She’s not embarrassed to dance it out.

8. She’s sensitive, but people don’t always take her emotions seriously, casting her off as “dramatic.” I know that feel, Tina. I know that feel.

9. Her feeble attempts at coolness often result in weirdness. But she can make a quick recovery.

10. She has oddly vivid dreams about fantastical situations that are impossible to understand.

Tina Belcher, I salute you – weirdo to weirdo, woman to woman.

Top Ten Tuesday

Ten Things You Don’t Know About Me

  1. I haven’t had consistent health insurance since 2011. I suspect that I’ll know when I’ve truly reached adulthood when I have been to the dentist for at least 2 years in a row.
  2. My hair hasn’t recovered from the Peace Corps. It started falling out not too long after I got to Nicaragua and basically hasn’t stopped since. Of all the weird health issues my fellow volunteers experienced in the beautiful Bermuda triangle where Sandinistas, volcanoes and failed development projects met, hair loss was not on the top of the glamorous ailment list. No bath tub drain I have lived with since has forgiven me.
  3. I’ve recently convinced myself that having more than two pillows on my bed doesn’t make me a bougie* person. I’ll never go back. I corral myself in like nervous parents with a newborn.
  4. I have had 15 jobs in my life. FIFTEEN. My favorite was the very first – flower shop assistant. I was the only person who did my job, yet I still worked in a team.Also, this is the place where I learned that you should not get married before 30, men will always love their mothers more than they love their wives or girlfriends, and that anything can lose its beauty after you’ve stared at it for too long.
  5. I have watched both the Katy Perry and Justin Bieber documentaries…and enjoyed them. They taught me a lesson: Never judge a book by its shitty music. Or something like that.
  6. I sweat when I am nervous, when I am cold, or when I have to talk to someone on the phone that I normally don’t talk to on the phone. And also all the time in between. I wear black a lot for this reason. 
  7. I’m afraid of being a slacktivist. For those of you who know me, you might be thinking, “But Liz, you lived in that place with the scary parasites and worked for that organization with the kids and all the sadness and you were a teacher!” And while, yes, I am amazing and have done all of those things *hair flip/laurel resting*, I have been paid in one way or another for all of those things. If I am committed to certain causes, I should be committed to more than putting a link on my Facebook feed.
  8. I recently switched to a 9-6 desk job where I have a badge and a cubicle and I really, really like it. I have certain perks- free coffee, sweet view of South Mountain, two computer monitors (which rules and makes me way more efficient). I never thought I would love a job like this, but I do. Maybe I’m a sell out, but maybe liking my corporate monkey job also makes me more punk rock than if I hated it. Ponder that!
  9. The number one accomplishment that I am proud of in my life is my friends. Choosing, making, keeping friends – it’s a big deal and can be challenging. My friends are amazing people. I love all of them for different reasons and I am proud they’re part of my life. 
  10. I don’t know that I am ever going to have children. I want to spend my money on Spanish ham, more pillows and clinical strength deodorant.

* bourgeoisie…rich bitch