Interview With a Sampire
Meet Sammy. He wins the title for owning the most superlatives of any roommate I’ve ever had.
Most Dramatic (by a hair)
…and many others.
It’s been awhile since I’ve lived with an animal. Sammy is more than a dog, he is a commitment. He has these eyes that I have dubbed “human eyes” due to their manipulative powers.
Liz: Sammy, thanks for taking time to do an interview with There Will Be Blog.
Sammy: Thanks for putting peanut butter in my dog toys and then throwing them outside right before you leave. It’s a welcome distraction from the crushing depression that follows when I’ve realized that I have only my toys and that Korean blanket to keep me company for the next 9 to 10 hours.
Liz: You’re quite welcome. It helps with the guilt on my end. Speaking of the Korean blanket, you know your mom really liked that blanket. I think she actually ordered it from Korea. Why did you chew a hole in it?
Sammy: Well, that’s an existential question. Have you ever been left alone with your thoughts for so long that you started to go crazy? I mean, you can only chase your tail for so long. Sooner or later you catch it and you’re left with nothing to live for. That’s why you move on to the next proverbial tail – in this case, the blanket.
Liz: Humans chase tail, too. It’s different, but basically has the same end result.
Sammy: I know, I live in Casitas. I am sure “casitas” means depravity in English.
Liz: Can we talk about your recent problems with erratic behavior, manic episodes and general chaos?
Sammy: I told the producers I wasn’t willing to discuss the episode with the throw pillows.
Liz: That’s fine.But I mean, what’s the deal with the garbage? We literally have to hide the garbage can. A dog your age shouldn’t have these issues.
Sammy: I have arrested development due to abandonment issues. Also, sometimes the trash smells like something could still be edible in there. So, you know… [sigh]…I guess I am still struggling with the trash addiction.
Liz: We all struggle with things.
Sammy: …like you have that weird thing for that judge from The Voice and eating pickles for dinner.
Liz: No one likes to be judged. This interview is about you anyway. Don’t try to redirect me. I think we’re done here. We should do this again sometime.
Sammy: Yeah, it’s been a pleasure. Not as great as going to the dog park would be…
Liz: We’ll talk after you stop stealing my dinner from the kitchen counter.
Sammy: That might require a 30-day outpatient program, but I’m open to it.