Crowdsourcing Project

“She can’t be burdened by your heteronormative lexicon.”

Isn’t that just the worst sentence you’ve ever read?!

Though it may seem like I would have heard it on NPR or in line at Whole Foods, I promise came from my weird brain. It isn’t about anyone or anything – it just popped up on the ticker tape that runs through my brain.

I am looking for any text that includes or is inspired by this phrase. Rap. Poem. Short Story. Whatever. You can reply on WordPress, Facebook, in a PM, email or whatever the hell it is you use to validate yourself via internet for social media. Whatever you send me may be used in this blog later, so be aware that ten people may read it.

Thanks!

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Top Ten Tuesday: Reasons Tina Belcher is My Spirit Animal

Bob’s Burgers is the only show on TV that I actually keep up with. I feel like it was written just for me. I cozy up with my laptop and delight in the artificial glow of my screen every Sunday night after the pirates have uploaded low-fi streams of the weekly episode (should I not be blogging about that?).

More than one person has told me that the character Louise reminds them of me. I think this is because Louise can be a bitch.

Louise

While I delight in this label (and on occasion have found myself basking in a hair too much Schadenfreude, much like this maniacal middle child), my true love is Tina. Most people who like Tina like her because she is awkward. I like her character because she is honest. In tribute – This Top Ten Tuesday is for her.

Top Ten Reasons Tina Belcher is My Spirit Animal

1. Tina is plagued with the curse of unrequited love and a penchant for the clueless, artistic type.

2. She is philosophical in a simple way and she’ll never change the way she thinks to make other people feel more comfortable.

3. Sometimes she strays from her principles or makes mistakes, but she knows who she is and course corrects every time.

4. Tina is great at expressing herself verbally, specifically with noises. I can relate. I have a noise for stretching, waking up, being mad, being tired, being cold, eating some great cheese, judging someone…

5. She is a writer. She definitely writes authentically. Her volumes of Erotic Friend Fiction, while not my style, are to be lauded for creativity…and possible grounds for restraining orders.

6. You won’t catch her on a treadmill. She is into weird fitness stuff. Case in point: sexy dance fighting (aka capoeira).

7. She’s not embarrassed to dance it out.

8. She’s sensitive, but people don’t always take her emotions seriously, casting her off as “dramatic.” I know that feel, Tina. I know that feel.

9. Her feeble attempts at coolness often result in weirdness. But she can make a quick recovery.

10. She has oddly vivid dreams about fantastical situations that are impossible to understand.

Tina Belcher, I salute you – weirdo to weirdo, woman to woman.

TOP TEN TUESDAY IS BACK!

I know. I KNOW.

It’s been a long time. (1) I have been too lazy to write (2) I started doing Zumba (3) I took a web design class. Those are my excuses.

MOVING ON!

I have had many a roommate in my life, starting with siblings, then on to friends, strangers, animals… and now I have Carlee. We’re a pretty great roommate duo, but I have noticed certain reactions to statements I make. These reactions usually fall in the judgement-disgust range. It’s totally fine. Some of my favorite Carlee reactions are:

“GEH…”

Translated: I find that gross/weird.

“GET YOUR LIFE IN ORDER!”

Translated: You’ve made a series of poor choices.

“LOCK IT UP.”

Translated: Stop whining/making poor choices/being weird.

So I dedicate this post to my roommate who puts up with my weirdness…

TOP TEN THINGS LIZ SAYS AND CARLEE JUDGES

(or has not reacted well to in the past)

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Carlee does not find pickles to be an acceptable dinner. I’m an enthusiast for all things brined and I can’t be moved on this!

 

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I learned that non nonchalantly announcing an unplanned house guest, an insect for example, does not please the lady. It might even evoke some nancy-pancy screaming and hiding in the other room. (It was a cricket, by the way.)

 

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I hate the show, she hates the show. I watch it, she judges. What’s left to say? I’ll tell ya: ADAM LEVINE.

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Carlee isn’t really molly home maker, so when I catch in the act of using the kitchen, it must be documented. 

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It happened to be true. I was just stating fact. Carlee could not even be bothered to react to this. She literally asked Sammy (the dog) to judge me on her behalf. He didn’t. He hasn’t shaved a thing in years; he has no room to bark about it.

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I have a weird relationship with this plant. It is the only living thing I am responsible for. It must be cared for properly. Carlee did not find this amusing.

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It could be any number of things and she doesn’t want to hear ANY of them. But I tell her anyway.

 

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Going to the dog park feels like those dreams in high school where you showed up with no pants on. Everyone is staring at you and you just want to leave.

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She pretends that she is giving up soda! “It’s just one!” Might as well tie yourself off and starting looking for a good vein, roomy! 

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Well, it did! But what really got her goat is when I took the Febreze from the pantry to take care of the problem. Apparently using Febreze to cover up the smell of vodka, sweat and shame is unacceptable roommate behavior…I’m working on locking it up.

 

 

Thigh Gaps and Mason Jars:

The Pinterest Post

There are only a few über girly bandwagons that I hop on. I have more than hopped on this one… I am driving the wagon and I am wasted, swerving through a forest of DIYs, 20-step baking projects and questionable homemade beauty remedies.

I LOVE PINTEREST UNAPOLOGETICALLY.

I have pinned and pinned and attempted and failed and succeeded and rejoiced and cursed. And now I must blog.

I need to explain for those of you who haven’t converted to my religion. Pinterest is a platform on which you can store digital post it notes of things you have seen online and want to go back to. It is a visually pleasing, well-organized bookmark list that you can share with the world (if you want). You pin things onto “boards”. You can then follow people who pin things you like or follow individual boards you are interested in. I got into it when I was working for an organization that did in-home visits for young children and I needed a way to store and organize activities I wanted to do with the children and families I serviced. When I taught, it was a great way to see ideas from other teachers and a way to get ideas when I had lesson plan block (like writer’s block but for teachers who are still trying to get some work done at 1 AM).

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My boards.

Like much of social media, it started out awesome and I was in love. We cuddled and swooned and there was no other social media to compare. Then everyone starting pinning and they weren’t doing it right. They only pin inspirational quotes, ecards (YACK) and pictures of thigh gaps to remind us of how fat we are. NONONONONO.  No. Just no. STAHPITPLZ. If you are pinning trite bullshit or using Pinterest to pimp something out, go to Facebook. I clearly have strong feelings about Pinterest as do I about too many things.

An unexpected side effect of Pinterest is the ability to read your friends’ minds. You can tell when they are thinking about getting married, thinking about having kids, thinking about losing weight, thinking about perfecting their smoky eye look… It can be a bit unnerving, especially when you see a single friend start to pin engagement rings or an already skinny friend pin DIY rapid weight loss body wraps. It is also a great opportunity for judging (which I love second to pinning). You see horrible ideas for bride’s maids dresses and you can tell which friend is willingly going gluten free by starting a quinoa based food board.  *shakes head*

I SEE WHAT YOU’RE PINNING AND I DON’T APPROVE

Aside: Mason jars aren’t a “cheap storage solution” unless you already have a boatload of mason jars, spray paint and cutesy bows hanging around. If you buy mason jars to alter them and put weird shit in them you might be a psychopath. But if that is your Pinterest calling, I can’t tell you not to do it. Much like Mormons receive a calling to go on a mission to a faraway (well, sometimes you get sent to Idaho) place, pinners get called to pin. Some are good, some are bad. Go forward and proselytize!

I thought I would share with you some of the things I have tried and tell you how they turned out…or failed to turn out. Let’s start with the latest.

Copycat recipe of Auntie Annie’s Magnificent Mall Pretzel

Let me tell you – there are few things I love more than a mall pretzel. You don’t develop these lovely lady lumps without eating your fair share of carbs. When I came across this recipe, I pinned it faster than you could say “fat kid problems”. I finally tried my hand at it today.

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They turned out pretty well. I think I added too much water from the get go because I misunderstood the recipe. The dough was much stickier than I think it was supposed to be and I had to add a whole bunch more flour as I went along to avoid the super doughy finger effect. Also, it was impossible to make these into a pretzel shape without summoning the dark lord Voldemort.

Taste: 3 out of 5

Assembly: 3 out of five on the annoying scale

Tips: Get a lesson from someone who knows how to actually make pretzel shaped pretzels

Disneyland Dole Whip

If you haven’t been to the Tiki Room in Disneyland and waited with baited breath for animatronic birds to whisk you away into a racist, mid-century alternate universe while inhaling a Dole Whip, then you haven’t lived. Almost every ride in Disneyland has a sponsor because this is America and money money money. The Tiki Room is very appropriately sponsored by Dole, who has a well-oiled pineapple hawking machine situated adjacent the turnstiles of the tropical themed micro theater. It sells, as one might imagine, pineapples and pineapple themed fare, including the all-powerful Pineapple Dole Whip (aka pineapple flavored soft serve plopped on fresh pineapple juice and topped with freedom). My childhood feels got real when I saw the recipe for Dole Whip and I had to pin.

Taste:  4/5

Assembly: Ridiculous easy

Tip: Have a good blender, eat it all in one sitting

Enchilada Sauce

I have a weird relationship with my heritage. I grew up in a small town where most kids did FFA for fun and there was more space for livestock than humans. It wasn’t exactly a mecca for culture and diversity. However, I am, according to my SATs and other official documents, “Hispanic”. I know how to cook some Americanized Mexican food and I speak Spanish as a second language, so I’m about as Mexican as your Doritos Locos party pack. I decided to make my own enchilada sauce to impress a boy. It was successful in the way that it won over said boy. It was a failure in the way that said boy ended up having a secret “other” girlfriend for all of the three months that we dated. THANKS, ENCHILADA SAUCE.

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I’m not a food photographer, OK?? GEEZE.

Taste: 5/5

Assembly: You can totally do this

Tips: Easy on the salt, don’t date douchebags

Detox My Life:

Juice Cleanse Post!

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I am on day three of guzzling that down everyday. I say guzzling because, no, I do not enjoy Parsley, Kale and Cucumber juice. I don’t care who you are or how healthy and vegan and whatever the hell you claim to be – that shit tastes like dirty grass water. So I guzzle, I do not savor or sip. In a very unladylike fashion, I contort my face, open my throat and knock back as many ounces of the 16 that I possibly can in one fell swoop.

Why am I doing this? Because I needed to.  My alcohol consumption has skyrocketed and my exercise hours have taken a nose dive. See graph below:

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I decided I needed to start from square one with a cleanse and then getting back into Bikram Yoga (for the two weeks until the trial is over and I can no longer afford it). I am getting old and things in my body are letting me know that I can no longer operate like a 23 year old powered by refined sugar and poor choices.

My roommate and I decided to do this together (you need a buddy for moral support). She has Celiac and wants to flush out all the bad stuff and re-kindle the fire to be healthy as well. I researched a few companies that do juice cleanses and I decided on Kaleidoscope based out of Scottsdale for three reasons :

  1. Local company 
  2. 5% discount for doing it with a buddy
  3. Cheaper than the other local joint

It is expensive, but each juice has 3lbs of produce! I tried juicing before and I did it the hard way. Juiceman Jr. is great, but tackling that thing every night was cumbersome. Ugh. It’s $58/day (minus the discount) and you can add the protein shakes if you want for extra. I am SO GLAD I added the protein shakes. Even with all of these juices, it is under 1100 calories, so you need that protein to fill you up a little.

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The Details

The woman (part owner – ASU grad..Go Devils!) who helped us out was great. They number the juices for you and bag them up by day, which makes it easy (in theory) the follow. You drink a flush in the morning (this is the hardest part for me because (1) I hate ingesting anything in the morning and (2) It’s a pretty rough drink) then 5 juices and an optional protein juice/shake. It is all vegan and gluten free and organic so your inner hippie can rejoice and be condescending to everyone eating The Man’s processed, corporate food.  You do this for as long as you want. I am doing three days cause I can’t afford to do it longer, plus I just don’t want to.

The juices range from “fucking awful” to “Hey, I’d drink this on the regular” on the taste scale. As you can imagine, the better it is for you, the harder it is to funnel down your gullet. So far, the worst has been anything with cayenne in it for me. It buuuuurns. The best was the strawberry protein shake. 

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Day One:

  • Day three with no coffee – this SUCKED. Headache all day and general malaise set in around 10 AM
  • No too hungry. Juices fill you up.
  • Tired, napped in my car during lunch
  • Almost yacked when I had to drink the 2nd to last juice of the night
  • Didn’t drink the last juice…too full

Day Two:

  • Slight coffee headache
  • Crabby
  • Energy peaked around 6 PM
  • 2.5 juices behind
  • Head feels clearer than yesterday
  • Really clumsy (not sure if connected to juicing)
  • Fantasizing about crunching on lettuce (???)

I’ll let you know how it all pans out. Tomorrow is the last day and then I will start weaning myself slowly on whole foods and maybe broth. I learned my lesson when I did the Master Cleanse in the Peace Corps then gorged on awesome American food at a Hanukkah party. DID NOT END WELL. 

I can tell you this. It does not help that when I open my fridge I see this:

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or this…

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Feel free to ask any questions about my experience or the place I got the juice from.

Next time I blog, I will be re-aligned with the universe, de-bloated, un-toxified and ready to go back on Pinterest and drool over food you get to chew on.

Aint No Sunshine When She’s Gone: A Pictorial

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Sammy doesn’t like it when I take showers. He made sure to express himself thusly.

This is his dumb face

The Damn Beagle I live With

Hates when his mom leaves

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My owner has left town again and I am stuck with this witless Mexican babysitter.

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I’ll just knock over the pan and taste it for you.

Homemade enchilada sauce I was trying to get just right. Nearly lost the whole damn thing. Pinterest post coming soon…

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Why are you mad at me again? That sauce wasn’t for me?

Since, you hid the trash from me, I figured I would explore the cleaning closet. I only ate one roll of paper towels. NBD.

Since, you hid the trash from me, I figured I would explore the cleaning closet. I only ate one roll of paper towels. NBD.

Howl AT the others is more like it.  So embarassing

Howl AT the others is more like it. So embarrassing

Fierce Talons

Fierce Talons

Regressing to puppyhood because he is repeatedly abandoned by his rightful owner and left with me. SAAAMMMMYYYYY!

Wut

Why must you document our sad charade?

Wake me up later. I need to contemplate how the enormity of the universe can fit inside a jar of peanut butter.

Wake me up later. I need to contemplate how the enormity of the universe can fit inside a jar of peanut butter.

 

 

 

 

TOP TEN TUESDAY, PEOPLE!

Reasons Why Adulthood* Rules

You might say, but Liz, you’ve been a legal adult for 11 years – this doesn’t seem timely! Well, to that I say, “I CAN WRITE WHATEVER I WANT.”

TOP TEN REASONS BEING AN ADULT IS WAY BETTER THAN BEING A DUMB KID:

10. CUSSIN’! I remember being young and never using foul language. In fact, I frowned upon it. Sometime in mid-high school when I pulled the thorn out of my bum and realized that mediocrity passes for genius in a rural American high school, I said, “SCREW IT. I’m done with this uptight BULLSHIT!” I love words and I love language, but man, can I cuss up a storm like a whiskey soaked sailor. I feel like it cuts down the pretentious asshole factor to slip in a few colorful palabrotas into my otherwise Oxford-level, highbrow repertoire!

9. Never having to tell anyone where you are going or what you’re doing. I go to Waffle House at 3 AM? NBD. Only I can judge me!

8. Alcohol. Specifically vodka tonics** (a real lady’s drink) and pinot noir (a classy lady’s drink) and fancy flavored Shock Top (a bloated lady’s drink who is thinking she spent too much $ on a six-pack).

7.  Discretionary income. It may not be a lot, but there is some, and you can buy the DUMBEST and COOLEST stuff. $40 worth of new age books on Amazon to fix your effed up adult life problems? Do it. $100 for a juice cleanse you’ll never get through? WHY NOT?! $80 bra that makes your boobs looks like they were made in a lab and sewed on by God himself? YES!

6.  Live in squalor if you want. I am not saying I do, but I could. Doing chores is for the birds.

5. Wasting your Sunday day in front of Netflix (or any other way you see fit). Stay in bed til 11, watch YouTube videos of weird stuff. Watch your arm hair grow….whatever.

4. Having complete control over your physical appearance. I mean, some things are hard to control, but you can change your hair, wear those creepy Michael Jackson contacts, poke holes all over yourself – the possibilities are endless. I’ll never forget when I got my belly button pierced in college and my dad chided me,

“ELIZABETH! Don’t become a human pin cushion!”

He wasn’t too pumped about the tattoo either. Sorry, dad. I am thinking about getting another one.

3. You don’t have to hang around anyone you can’t stand. Unlike school, where you are subject to the random cruelty of a roster, you can throw up deuces and say, “Y’ALL ARE BORING AND LAME AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR MORTGAGE RE-FI” and march merrily out of any less than stellar social situations.

2. I can eat a jar of pickles for dinner. Or I don’t have to eat dinner. Or I can eat it in my underwear on the couch while cursing and watching The Voice.

1. Poor Choices. You can make all the poor choices you want (see 2-9). You have to suffer the repercussions of those poor choices, but they are all your to make.

*Unless you have real responsibilities like kids or demanding pets or a shitty, life-sucking job
**Good for those nights you know you are going to spill your drink all over yourself