Thigh Gaps and Mason Jars:

The Pinterest Post

There are only a few über girly bandwagons that I hop on. I have more than hopped on this one… I am driving the wagon and I am wasted, swerving through a forest of DIYs, 20-step baking projects and questionable homemade beauty remedies.

I LOVE PINTEREST UNAPOLOGETICALLY.

I have pinned and pinned and attempted and failed and succeeded and rejoiced and cursed. And now I must blog.

I need to explain for those of you who haven’t converted to my religion. Pinterest is a platform on which you can store digital post it notes of things you have seen online and want to go back to. It is a visually pleasing, well-organized bookmark list that you can share with the world (if you want). You pin things onto “boards”. You can then follow people who pin things you like or follow individual boards you are interested in. I got into it when I was working for an organization that did in-home visits for young children and I needed a way to store and organize activities I wanted to do with the children and families I serviced. When I taught, it was a great way to see ideas from other teachers and a way to get ideas when I had lesson plan block (like writer’s block but for teachers who are still trying to get some work done at 1 AM).

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My boards.

Like much of social media, it started out awesome and I was in love. We cuddled and swooned and there was no other social media to compare. Then everyone starting pinning and they weren’t doing it right. They only pin inspirational quotes, ecards (YACK) and pictures of thigh gaps to remind us of how fat we are. NONONONONO.  No. Just no. STAHPITPLZ. If you are pinning trite bullshit or using Pinterest to pimp something out, go to Facebook. I clearly have strong feelings about Pinterest as do I about too many things.

An unexpected side effect of Pinterest is the ability to read your friends’ minds. You can tell when they are thinking about getting married, thinking about having kids, thinking about losing weight, thinking about perfecting their smoky eye look… It can be a bit unnerving, especially when you see a single friend start to pin engagement rings or an already skinny friend pin DIY rapid weight loss body wraps. It is also a great opportunity for judging (which I love second to pinning). You see horrible ideas for bride’s maids dresses and you can tell which friend is willingly going gluten free by starting a quinoa based food board.  *shakes head*

I SEE WHAT YOU’RE PINNING AND I DON’T APPROVE

Aside: Mason jars aren’t a “cheap storage solution” unless you already have a boatload of mason jars, spray paint and cutesy bows hanging around. If you buy mason jars to alter them and put weird shit in them you might be a psychopath. But if that is your Pinterest calling, I can’t tell you not to do it. Much like Mormons receive a calling to go on a mission to a faraway (well, sometimes you get sent to Idaho) place, pinners get called to pin. Some are good, some are bad. Go forward and proselytize!

I thought I would share with you some of the things I have tried and tell you how they turned out…or failed to turn out. Let’s start with the latest.

Copycat recipe of Auntie Annie’s Magnificent Mall Pretzel

Let me tell you – there are few things I love more than a mall pretzel. You don’t develop these lovely lady lumps without eating your fair share of carbs. When I came across this recipe, I pinned it faster than you could say “fat kid problems”. I finally tried my hand at it today.

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They turned out pretty well. I think I added too much water from the get go because I misunderstood the recipe. The dough was much stickier than I think it was supposed to be and I had to add a whole bunch more flour as I went along to avoid the super doughy finger effect. Also, it was impossible to make these into a pretzel shape without summoning the dark lord Voldemort.

Taste: 3 out of 5

Assembly: 3 out of five on the annoying scale

Tips: Get a lesson from someone who knows how to actually make pretzel shaped pretzels

Disneyland Dole Whip

If you haven’t been to the Tiki Room in Disneyland and waited with baited breath for animatronic birds to whisk you away into a racist, mid-century alternate universe while inhaling a Dole Whip, then you haven’t lived. Almost every ride in Disneyland has a sponsor because this is America and money money money. The Tiki Room is very appropriately sponsored by Dole, who has a well-oiled pineapple hawking machine situated adjacent the turnstiles of the tropical themed micro theater. It sells, as one might imagine, pineapples and pineapple themed fare, including the all-powerful Pineapple Dole Whip (aka pineapple flavored soft serve plopped on fresh pineapple juice and topped with freedom). My childhood feels got real when I saw the recipe for Dole Whip and I had to pin.

Taste:  4/5

Assembly: Ridiculous easy

Tip: Have a good blender, eat it all in one sitting

Enchilada Sauce

I have a weird relationship with my heritage. I grew up in a small town where most kids did FFA for fun and there was more space for livestock than humans. It wasn’t exactly a mecca for culture and diversity. However, I am, according to my SATs and other official documents, “Hispanic”. I know how to cook some Americanized Mexican food and I speak Spanish as a second language, so I’m about as Mexican as your Doritos Locos party pack. I decided to make my own enchilada sauce to impress a boy. It was successful in the way that it won over said boy. It was a failure in the way that said boy ended up having a secret “other” girlfriend for all of the three months that we dated. THANKS, ENCHILADA SAUCE.

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I’m not a food photographer, OK?? GEEZE.

Taste: 5/5

Assembly: You can totally do this

Tips: Easy on the salt, don’t date douchebags