Detox My Life:

Juice Cleanse Post!

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I am on day three of guzzling that down everyday. I say guzzling because, no, I do not enjoy Parsley, Kale and Cucumber juice. I don’t care who you are or how healthy and vegan and whatever the hell you claim to be – that shit tastes like dirty grass water. So I guzzle, I do not savor or sip. In a very unladylike fashion, I contort my face, open my throat and knock back as many ounces of the 16 that I possibly can in one fell swoop.

Why am I doing this? Because I needed to.  My alcohol consumption has skyrocketed and my exercise hours have taken a nose dive. See graph below:

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I decided I needed to start from square one with a cleanse and then getting back into Bikram Yoga (for the two weeks until the trial is over and I can no longer afford it). I am getting old and things in my body are letting me know that I can no longer operate like a 23 year old powered by refined sugar and poor choices.

My roommate and I decided to do this together (you need a buddy for moral support). She has Celiac and wants to flush out all the bad stuff and re-kindle the fire to be healthy as well. I researched a few companies that do juice cleanses and I decided on Kaleidoscope based out of Scottsdale for three reasons :

  1. Local company 
  2. 5% discount for doing it with a buddy
  3. Cheaper than the other local joint

It is expensive, but each juice has 3lbs of produce! I tried juicing before and I did it the hard way. Juiceman Jr. is great, but tackling that thing every night was cumbersome. Ugh. It’s $58/day (minus the discount) and you can add the protein shakes if you want for extra. I am SO GLAD I added the protein shakes. Even with all of these juices, it is under 1100 calories, so you need that protein to fill you up a little.

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The Details

The woman (part owner – ASU grad..Go Devils!) who helped us out was great. They number the juices for you and bag them up by day, which makes it easy (in theory) the follow. You drink a flush in the morning (this is the hardest part for me because (1) I hate ingesting anything in the morning and (2) It’s a pretty rough drink) then 5 juices and an optional protein juice/shake. It is all vegan and gluten free and organic so your inner hippie can rejoice and be condescending to everyone eating The Man’s processed, corporate food.  You do this for as long as you want. I am doing three days cause I can’t afford to do it longer, plus I just don’t want to.

The juices range from “fucking awful” to “Hey, I’d drink this on the regular” on the taste scale. As you can imagine, the better it is for you, the harder it is to funnel down your gullet. So far, the worst has been anything with cayenne in it for me. It buuuuurns. The best was the strawberry protein shake. 

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Day One:

  • Day three with no coffee – this SUCKED. Headache all day and general malaise set in around 10 AM
  • No too hungry. Juices fill you up.
  • Tired, napped in my car during lunch
  • Almost yacked when I had to drink the 2nd to last juice of the night
  • Didn’t drink the last juice…too full

Day Two:

  • Slight coffee headache
  • Crabby
  • Energy peaked around 6 PM
  • 2.5 juices behind
  • Head feels clearer than yesterday
  • Really clumsy (not sure if connected to juicing)
  • Fantasizing about crunching on lettuce (???)

I’ll let you know how it all pans out. Tomorrow is the last day and then I will start weaning myself slowly on whole foods and maybe broth. I learned my lesson when I did the Master Cleanse in the Peace Corps then gorged on awesome American food at a Hanukkah party. DID NOT END WELL. 

I can tell you this. It does not help that when I open my fridge I see this:

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or this…

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Feel free to ask any questions about my experience or the place I got the juice from.

Next time I blog, I will be re-aligned with the universe, de-bloated, un-toxified and ready to go back on Pinterest and drool over food you get to chew on.

Aint No Sunshine When She’s Gone: A Pictorial

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Sammy doesn’t like it when I take showers. He made sure to express himself thusly.

This is his dumb face

The Damn Beagle I live With

Hates when his mom leaves

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My owner has left town again and I am stuck with this witless Mexican babysitter.

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I’ll just knock over the pan and taste it for you.

Homemade enchilada sauce I was trying to get just right. Nearly lost the whole damn thing. Pinterest post coming soon…

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Why are you mad at me again? That sauce wasn’t for me?

Since, you hid the trash from me, I figured I would explore the cleaning closet. I only ate one roll of paper towels. NBD.

Since, you hid the trash from me, I figured I would explore the cleaning closet. I only ate one roll of paper towels. NBD.

Howl AT the others is more like it.  So embarassing

Howl AT the others is more like it. So embarrassing

Fierce Talons

Fierce Talons

Regressing to puppyhood because he is repeatedly abandoned by his rightful owner and left with me. SAAAMMMMYYYYY!

Wut

Why must you document our sad charade?

Wake me up later. I need to contemplate how the enormity of the universe can fit inside a jar of peanut butter.

Wake me up later. I need to contemplate how the enormity of the universe can fit inside a jar of peanut butter.