Reasons Why Adulthood* Rules
You might say, but Liz, you’ve been a legal adult for 11 years – this doesn’t seem timely! Well, to that I say, “I CAN WRITE WHATEVER I WANT.”
TOP TEN REASONS BEING AN ADULT IS WAY BETTER THAN BEING A DUMB KID:
10. CUSSIN’! I remember being young and never using foul language. In fact, I frowned upon it. Sometime in mid-high school when I pulled the thorn out of my bum and realized that mediocrity passes for genius in a rural American high school, I said, “SCREW IT. I’m done with this uptight BULLSHIT!” I love words and I love language, but man, can I cuss up a storm like a whiskey soaked sailor. I feel like it cuts down the pretentious asshole factor to slip in a few colorful palabrotas into my otherwise Oxford-level, highbrow repertoire!
9. Never having to tell anyone where you are going or what you’re doing. I go to Waffle House at 3 AM? NBD. Only I can judge me!
8. Alcohol. Specifically vodka tonics** (a real lady’s drink) and pinot noir (a classy lady’s drink) and fancy flavored Shock Top (a bloated lady’s drink who is thinking she spent too much $ on a six-pack).
7. Discretionary income. It may not be a lot, but there is some, and you can buy the DUMBEST and COOLEST stuff. $40 worth of new age books on Amazon to fix your effed up adult life problems? Do it. $100 for a juice cleanse you’ll never get through? WHY NOT?! $80 bra that makes your boobs looks like they were made in a lab and sewed on by God himself? YES!
6. Live in squalor if you want. I am not saying I do, but I could. Doing chores is for the birds.
5. Wasting your Sunday day in front of Netflix (or any other way you see fit). Stay in bed til 11, watch YouTube videos of weird stuff. Watch your arm hair grow….whatever.
4. Having complete control over your physical appearance. I mean, some things are hard to control, but you can change your hair, wear those creepy Michael Jackson contacts, poke holes all over yourself – the possibilities are endless. I’ll never forget when I got my belly button pierced in college and my dad chided me,
“ELIZABETH! Don’t become a human pin cushion!”
He wasn’t too pumped about the tattoo either. Sorry, dad. I am thinking about getting another one.
3. You don’t have to hang around anyone you can’t stand. Unlike school, where you are subject to the random cruelty of a roster, you can throw up deuces and say, “Y’ALL ARE BORING AND LAME AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR MORTGAGE RE-FI” and march merrily out of any less than stellar social situations.
2. I can eat a jar of pickles for dinner. Or I don’t have to eat dinner. Or I can eat it in my underwear on the couch while cursing and watching The Voice.
1. Poor Choices. You can make all the poor choices you want (see 2-9). You have to suffer the repercussions of those poor choices, but they are all your to make.
*Unless you have real responsibilities like kids or demanding pets or a shitty, life-sucking job **Good for those nights you know you are going to spill your drink all over yourself