Serious Sunday

The Week I Get My Life Together

I used to work at this non profit doing hybrid social work/early intervention for young children and their families. I absolutely loved it. Great organization,  amazing co-workers, and that warm and fuzzy feeling you get from your pockets being empty contributing to your community. Sometimes I would come in from a visit with a family, look at my poorly organized desk and realize I had a lot of work in front of me. I would say, “I NEED TO GET MY LIFE IN ORDER!” And my co-workers would chuckle…”Oh, that Liz! Always saying silly stuff!” I just hate the feeling of loose ends. I love when things are neat and orderly and I feel like I’m in control.

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Making your bed is one small thing you can do to make you feel like your life is more together than it actually is. The fact that I thought that this was a big enough accomplishment to take a picture of really speaks volumes.

It’s hard to get your life in order, so to speak. I mean, here I am. Just me. No kids, no husband, no house…and I can barely take care of myself. I let myself eat Cheetos and vodka for dinner last night – on a motel coffee table no less.

From fall of 2012 til about march of this year, my life was one   long    loose end. Things are finally settling down in my life and I feel like now that the dust has settled I need to get back to business of becoming a real adult. Go to the dentist. Buy Kale. That sort of thing.

So, this week

I am getting my life in order.

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Small change #1 and #2: Get out in nature more often. Reconnect with old friends. So I went to the river with my pal Tracy. Who needs church when you have the desert?

Ideas for small changes that make big differences are greatly appreciated.

[No snarky ass health crap, either. I’ll go on Facebook for that, thank you!]

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Top Ten Tuesday

My Sister’s Tweets

Let me preface this with saying I love my sister dearly. She is kind, intelligent, creative and a critical thinker…

despite what her twitter feed will lead you to believe.

She is a teenager living in the ‘burbs of Ohio, just trying to make sense of the world. Thanks to  Twitter, I get to see real-time displays of teenage angst, confusion and wonder via digital farts we call tweets.

Dear friends and readers – I bring you my sister’s top ten tweets, edition 1.

10.

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No. Nobody does.

9.

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#dreambig

8.

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Well, your last name is Salazar, so that’s just not in the cards for you.

7.

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Ahhh, the English language is a thing of beauty.

6.

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Wear a yarmulke. That’s one hat they can’t say shit about. You can bedazzle it or something…

5.

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Legit.

4.

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As someone who was a teenager on the 90s, I can say that this was the beginning of the end of music…

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You better think about that one. Do you REALLY, though??

2.

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Well, at least you’ve made a decision. #official

1.

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Some things don’t turn out the way we plan.

Serious Sunday: Dog Problems

 

Interview With a Sampire

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Meet Sammy. He wins the title for owning the most superlatives of any roommate I’ve ever had. 

Hairiest

Loudest Bark

Most Juvenile

Neediest

Most Dramatic (by a hair)

…and many others.

It’s been awhile since I’ve lived with an animal. Sammy is more than a dog, he is a commitment. He has these eyes that I have dubbed “human eyes” due to their manipulative powers.

ImageSee what I’m talking about?? He’s an interesting character despite his claws, flaws and paws, so I figured I would interview him.

Liz: Sammy, thanks for taking time to do an interview with There Will Be Blog.

Sammy: Thanks for putting peanut butter in my dog toys and then throwing them outside right before you leave. It’s a welcome distraction from the crushing depression that follows when I’ve realized that I have only my toys and that Korean blanket to keep me company for the next 9 to 10 hours.

Liz: You’re quite welcome. It helps with the guilt on my end. Speaking of the Korean blanket, you know your mom really liked that blanket. I think she actually ordered it from Korea. Why did you chew a hole in it?

Sammy: Well, that’s an existential question. Have you ever been left alone with your thoughts for so long that you started to go crazy? I mean, you can only chase your tail for so long. Sooner or later you catch it and you’re left with nothing to live for. That’s why you move on to the next proverbial tail – in this case, the blanket.

Liz: Humans chase tail, too. It’s different, but basically has the same end result. 

Sammy: I know, I live in Casitas. I am sure “casitas” means depravity in English.

Liz: Can we talk about your recent problems with erratic behavior, manic episodes and general chaos?

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Sammy: I told the producers I wasn’t willing to discuss the episode with the throw pillows.

Liz: That’s fine.But I mean, what’s the deal with the garbage? We literally have to hide the garbage can. A dog your age shouldn’t have these issues.

Sammy: I have arrested development due to abandonment issues. Also, sometimes the trash smells like something could still be edible in there. So, you know… [sigh]…I guess I am still struggling with the trash addiction.

Liz: We all struggle with things.

Sammy: …like you have that weird thing for that judge from The Voice and eating pickles for dinner.

Liz: No one likes to be judged. This interview is about you anyway. Don’t try to redirect me. I think we’re done here. We should do this again sometime.

Sammy: Yeah, it’s been a pleasure. Not as great as going to the dog park would be…

Liz: We’ll talk after you stop stealing my dinner from the kitchen counter.

Sammy: That might require a 30-day outpatient program, but I’m open to it.

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“Cunt Punt”

The Minimal Pair Heard ‘Round the World  Internets

*THIS POST HAS SOME FOUL LANGUAGE BORROWED FROM A COLLEGE GIRL IN MARYLAND*

I was once in a sorority.

-OK-

It was a co-ed fraternity.

BUT WE STILL HAD CRAZY TIMES …doing service projects…

for the music community, mostly the marching band.

I admit it. We were the hand-picked nerdiest of nerds within the nerdiest club at Arizona State University (Barring any science related extracurriculars. They had to be worse than us, right?). I wasn’t in it for very long and I don’t know why they ever accepted me in the first place, considering I totally spilled the beans on all of the rituals to a close friend of mine. This close friend happened to have a thing for the, um, dashingly ginger chapter president. This friend was being urged by the Captain half of those 2 dollar Captain Cokes she was drinking, to readily divulge to said red head that one of his prospective members told her aaaaalllll about how their secret fraternity business. Other than the overly dramatic Dear John Letter I read the chapter upon quitting 2 years later, I never did or meant them any harm. In fact, I highly respect the organization whose members are extremely loyal, dedicated, and talented hard workers. And actually, pretty good singers most of the time.

So what does this have to do with cunt punting? Well, not much.

Fraternities and Sororities are all about loyalty and relationships. And that poor, poor girl (who writes HILARIOUSLY) from Delta Gamma didn’t think too hard about loyalty and friendship when she told her sisters that she would effing “cunt punt the next person [she heard cheering for the opposing sports team].” She then punctuated that beautiful sentiment with “I WILL [beeeping] ASSAULT YOU.” I don’t fault her for threatening physical harm to her fellow Hellenistic Helens. She must have been under some pressure to write such an -ehem- articulate piece of literature. At the end of the day, sororities want pretty girls to do pretty things with pretty boys for a pretty penny and maybe some networking will come out of it. But let’s face it, if you are (1) good looking enough and (2) rich enough to be in the social Greek system at a university in these glorious United States, you probably won’t need to network that much.

I read the letter and laughed heartily, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that if we females don’t stop metaphorically cunt punting each other, we are going to be relegated to buying push up bras and saying “Yes, Sir!” to our mediocre bosses for decades to come (probably the same dudes who said the girls from Delta Gamma were being “goddamn boners” during the party at Sigma Nu 20 years ago).

A friend of mine has recently been doing some job hunting and actually landed an interview at a very big, very important company (for a big, important business lady position). She nailed it, of course, cause she is ridiculously smart and all that jazz. She was called back for a second interview with The Big and Important Company by a woman in the HR department. The woman let her know that they were really impressed by her presentation, but she should probably “wear a little lip gloss next time”. Oh, no. You are not mistaken. You read that right.

WEAR A LITTLE LIP GLOSS NEXT TIME.

Talk about a cunt punt!! I could not believe it. I have no words other than swear words to say about this. Had it been a man doing this interview, NO ONE WOULD HAVE EVER TOLD HIM TO WEAR A LITTLE HAIR GEL NEXT TIME. Because men are not valued for their blouse or their make up. They are valued for their ideas. WE HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO, BITCHES LADIES!

We must demand better than this. We can’t settle for this crap anymore.

STEP UP

SPEAK UP

TAKE THE LEAD

…AND DON’T EFFING CUNT PUNT EACH OTHER.